Confused.Addled.Hazed.Flustered.

I'm disgusted with life. No, I'm not sounding suicidal but this is a unique situation. This has been a strange year with even stranger incidents happening commonplace in my life. At the moment, I'm completely clueless. Idleness can lead to all sorts of morbid thoughts and I guess this, coupled with long periods of talking to myself, is creating some really unwarranted situations. Yes, I do talk to myself a lot. I love doing that since there's no better liberating feeling and nobody understands me better than myself. I'm in a complicated mess. I'm using generalized terms because I'm yet to understand what this mess is all about but it's damn complicated for sure.
I want to discover and analyze whatever that is causing this unnatural gloom in my life; but I don't know yet. Neither can I sigh at things that have come to pass nor can I sport crease lines on my forehead and brood over an uncertain future. I have a lot of things going wrong at the moment-a worrisome past, a bland present and an ominous-looking uncertain future. My thoughts are becoming increasingly muddled; I'm getting disconnected from my older,more cheerful self. No, I'm not saying I'm turning into some sorrowful scarecrow but I've changed a lot. I can feel it, I'm no longer the one who takes things for granted.I have seen a lot and I'm still going through a lot of turmoil. Strained complex relationships, confusing responsibilities, memories of a distant past, obscure days of mediocrity, unfulfilled dreams, invisible pressure cooker situations-all of these have taken a toll on me. I'm unable to take control of my own life. My life is a meandering mess of a beaten, polluted river now. It's not even sure if it will ultimately reach the sea or dry out like a desert stream. It's only been months but I feel as if I've aged by a year or two.The all-important 'beat' has gone out of my life and I can't find any real good reason why this has happened.
I thought I could survive this gap-year and become a better, wiser human being. Well, I've survived, but only just. And I'm not doing good.Really. I'm in a troubled state which is difficult to comprehend and a hell lot more complicated than what I had supposed it to be. I feel fettered. I want to break free but I don't see any escape yet and I don't know if an escape is what I want really. I don't know. I'm shrugging my shoulders. I can't talk more. Because I don't what it is. No point there. Don't ask me why 'coz I don't know.I'm totally hazed.
I need peace. This is so suffocating. Sometimes I feel as if I'm sick of all civilization. I like being alone but being alone and talking to oneself for the major part of a year in a state of all-pervasive idleness can lead one to chalk out grotesque fantasies in an almost-addled mind. It has happened to me. I'm not mad yet; no one will ever know when I finally cross over the border but I will be able to comprehend it when it happens and this scares me the most. No, I'm not there yet.

This is a zombie existence. I feel almost 'un'-human.