Perplexed.

I'm quite pissed off. It's been more than 3 months here and things aren't really going the way I've planned them out to be.
As one of my friends pointed out to me one fine day, it seems I'm having a very early mid-life crisis. It indeed is.
It feels idiotic idling at home when all people I know ( well, my peers) are working and quite settled in life. Here I'm, too lazy to even think about another job, hoping to study business management next and simultaneously holidaying at home with quite a divided train of thoughts churning in the back of my mind.
What's happened to me? I don't know. What will happen to me? Again, I don't know. What has happened to me? Yeah, I have been royally screwed.
People tell me I have taken a bold and supposedly courageous decision. Again, I haven't given much thought to it apart from the fact that even the very idea of higher education really is postpone my professional working career indefinitely. No one can really understand what I'm really going through. Nah, even I haven't got a clue- goes out to show How clueless I really am!!

It has been a nicely panned out fall from grace. After barely scraping through my bachelors' , I managed to find myself being employed in two companies ( ah, the one I joined isn't a 'company' for that matter. It calls itself a 'Firm' or 'professional services organization' or anything but a plain old company. I should have joined a 'Company'. Life could have been a whole lot better.)
I made a bad career choice. And now I'm ruing about it a year after that happened.

I'm bored with mediocrity. I'm totally pissed off with the complete lack of sense and direction that my life is synonymous with. People don't give me peace of mind almost all the time; on the very few occasions I'm completely alone and contemplative, I make matters all the more difficult for myself.

I always try to forget the past but I can't merely shrug it off. There have been insults and injuries which take a lifetime to heal.Memories play havoc with the future as well as the present. An overdose of nostalgia can be nauseating. I'm bold enough to admit I'm not well. No, this isn't depression. I'm made of a lot tougher stuff. Still, all isn't well with me.

I keep thinking about a break. But this is the Break. It doesn't feel like one. This isn't what I supposed it would be. The romantic in me yearns for something drastic; like a week or two atop a hill station, totally cut off from all the worries of the world. But then, I would be thinking a lot. A hell lot. Exactly what I wouldn't like to do in the first place.

A job.Work. I have become kinda numb when I hear about these. These words don't exist in my knowledge anymore. I have known lots of people all through my life. In school as well as in college. I have seen many people struggle through their academics while I myself was a hi-flier. I had my own struggles but these were all different. It was just a matter of putting cluttered stuff together. I take the liberty to call myself a hi-flier not 'coz I like boasting but because I've been unbelievably lucky all these years. To an outsider, it might have seemed like a cakewalk but I have had to really grapple with my destiny. I had all the good time in the world and yet I made it good in life. Now, exactly one year after I left college, I feel like a loser. I must be the one crazy guy who screwed up the most out of a whole batch. The one guy who had it all on a platter and who just crashed everything to a hundred pieces. I joined work with a lot of baggage and had to leave with a lot of unwanted baggage. People who had to struggle a lot are now sitting pretty. It's not that I'm being jealous or grumpy. I feel happy for everyone and sorry about myself.

I feel the pain of being unemployed. It's a crime in this society. I have been keeping cool all this while, playing the role of crazy-gone-nuts weirdo with gusto, without a care in the world. When I probe inwards, I feel I missed out somewhere. There's some anomaly somewhere in this crazy system. Some flaw; the flaw of being myself.

Things have to end on a positive note, though. Whenever I feel down and out, I just have to think about what I was doing as a consultant with the 'best place to kickstart your career'. Haha, It has turned out to be a cold start in my case. Trust me, there's no better feeling of relief when I think I'm no longer doing all those crazy stuff. That was something which I absolutely despised and detested.

I have to find a path... I need to start afresh.
And this time around, I won't carry any unnecessary baggage from the past.
Memories be damned.